The Ugly Truth

Everyone reads blogs about food, photography, even weight loss... but who's blogging about how horrifically they failed? Today, me. Not that I failed in the grand scheme of things, but to date I'd sure say I failed at this whole blog/weight loss thing. I'm still hovering at 210. I'm still struggling with food.

The last week in particular I've been on a continuous string of emotional binging. I'm talking Burger King French Toast Sticks and McD's Shamrock Shakes. Girl Scout Cookies (full boxes) and pizza and cake and sugar babies. I'm amazed I'm not in a diabetic coma, let alone sharing this information... but that was the point of this blog. I want other women out there to know they aren't the only ones who have these problems.

Lately I've been trying to figure out my future, but as the mother of an 18 month old boy "my future" isn't really quite as simple as it sounds. My plan was to add part time schooling to my already daunting schedule under the pretense that it's "only" 18 months. As school looms in the not-so-distant future, however, I'm finding myself more and more unwilling to add more to my schedule because that subtracts more from my son. I've thought of every option, from full time school to switching my subject of interest to just not going... and I'm no closer today to making a decision then I was 30 days ago.

What I have learned is that being a great mother isn't that different from being a terrible one. You can choose to be away from your child to better their future, but change the words around and you have neglect. Where's the fine line?

Looking at the big picture, is my 210 pound lifestyle that big of a deal? Not really. Does it effect me? Abso-freaking-lutely. Each day has been more and more difficult to get through. I lack the ability to say "no, you don't need that" and I've switched to "you can diet tomorrow... today, you need comfort"... yet 'tomorrow' has come and gone, a few times over, and I'm still chowing down.

I'm not sure how this unhealthy relationship with food can become a healthy one... for that I have no answers. What I do know, is I'm not the only one who has an unhealthy relationship with food. It's nearly abusive. No matter how much I know that, I still feel horribly alone... me and my Thin Mints (who the EFF named them 'thin'???).