The Ugly Truth

Everyone reads blogs about food, photography, even weight loss... but who's blogging about how horrifically they failed? Today, me. Not that I failed in the grand scheme of things, but to date I'd sure say I failed at this whole blog/weight loss thing. I'm still hovering at 210. I'm still struggling with food.

The last week in particular I've been on a continuous string of emotional binging. I'm talking Burger King French Toast Sticks and McD's Shamrock Shakes. Girl Scout Cookies (full boxes) and pizza and cake and sugar babies. I'm amazed I'm not in a diabetic coma, let alone sharing this information... but that was the point of this blog. I want other women out there to know they aren't the only ones who have these problems.

Lately I've been trying to figure out my future, but as the mother of an 18 month old boy "my future" isn't really quite as simple as it sounds. My plan was to add part time schooling to my already daunting schedule under the pretense that it's "only" 18 months. As school looms in the not-so-distant future, however, I'm finding myself more and more unwilling to add more to my schedule because that subtracts more from my son. I've thought of every option, from full time school to switching my subject of interest to just not going... and I'm no closer today to making a decision then I was 30 days ago.

What I have learned is that being a great mother isn't that different from being a terrible one. You can choose to be away from your child to better their future, but change the words around and you have neglect. Where's the fine line?

Looking at the big picture, is my 210 pound lifestyle that big of a deal? Not really. Does it effect me? Abso-freaking-lutely. Each day has been more and more difficult to get through. I lack the ability to say "no, you don't need that" and I've switched to "you can diet tomorrow... today, you need comfort"... yet 'tomorrow' has come and gone, a few times over, and I'm still chowing down.

I'm not sure how this unhealthy relationship with food can become a healthy one... for that I have no answers. What I do know, is I'm not the only one who has an unhealthy relationship with food. It's nearly abusive. No matter how much I know that, I still feel horribly alone... me and my Thin Mints (who the EFF named them 'thin'???).

Week 'I have no idea'-- Slacker

Am I or am I not the world's WORST motivational blogger or what???

So much for diligence! So much for encouragement! So much for sticking to weight watchers and kissing the baby weight 'goodbye'!!

Forget excuses, I was just so darn lazy... I'm back up a few pounds, but no harm done. Just gotta get back on the wagon, so to speak. I can't promise I'll be writing daily or weekly, but hey I'm gonna sure try!

I've become slightly addicted to fat free sorbets. Unfortunately, fat free does NOT translate into points-free, not that I've been counting until now. However, most of them are only 3 pts. per serving, so for others who are as ice cream- addicted as I am, it's a good alternative.

And so commences round 2 of Weight Watchers...

Back to the start :: 209 Lbs.

Week Three-- Smidgens.

This week was one of those pep-talk weeks. I hopped on the scale and I've only lost half of a pound this week, which left me less than thrilled. I had to remind myself a few times throughout the day that a loss is not a gain!! The point of dieting is to lose weight, and no one said it has to be done in one week, one month, or even one year! At this rate it still wouldn't take a year to hit goal weight, but nonetheless, it wasn't my ideal loss.

Sometimes you have to just remind yourself that little is ok... it's the little things that make you appreciate the big things, after all!!

Week Three:: January 26, 2010:: 208 Lbs.

Week Two-- Procrastination!

I have to be the worst person to keep a 'daily' blog. It wasn't intended to be daily, but even weekly seems to be pushing it for me... already!! I am the worst procrastinator in the world. That's not a statement or an assumption, that's pure fact! This diet has been so hard because I keep saying "tomorrow, tomorrow", and when tomorrow comes I lather, rinse, REPEAT! It's horrible!

This past weekend my family had their third, and final, Christmas gathering. There were pastas and cheeses and meatballs galore! That's not my issue; no, my problem comes after the meal. Brownies and cupcakes and cookies... or on this particular occasion, CHEESECAKE!! My mother bought a Cheesecake Factory brand cheesecake sampler and OH. EM. GEE!! Triple chocolate, white chocolate raspberry, and dulce de leche made up my cheesecake heaven. These suckers had 470 calories, 32 grams of fat, and weighed in at 12 Weight Watcher points... OUCH!

Somehow, regardless of two pieces of dulce de leche cheesecake, I managed to still lose 1.5 pounds this week. That doesn't change the psychological effects the sweets had on me. The whole day after eating it (and brownies) I felt so disappointed in myself. It's almost like each bite was bliss, until it was gone, then I had to ask myself why I bothered. In many ways it's like I cheated on my diet... I craved it, woo'ed it, got it, then reality hit and I was left with the "that is so not worth the mess it's going to make!" feeling.

Hopefully this mess can be contained by my next weigh-in day, but for now I have to rememeber that it was just a slip and it's not worth getting upset about. This week I've been doing much better and that's what really matters!!

Week Two:: January 19, 2010:: 208.5 Lbs.

Day Nine-- Making Up for Lost Time

The last few days I've had personal issues that manifested in an emotional fast, but today I was feeling much better! Yesterday my whole day ended with a cup of soup, a slice of bread, and a Weight Watcher's ice cream bar. Today? Oy vei (nope, I'm not Jewish!) I had an eggplant rollatini and some penne in vodka sauce! It was delicious and totally within my points limit, but not exactly where you want to start off you first day back on the eating wagon.

It's almost like those times where you wait too long to eat lunch and you say "eh, I'll just wait til dinner". Don't kid yourself, you know you've all done it. That's when you get home and start making dinner and by the time the water has boiled for your pasta you've already consumed half a block of cheese, three pounds of pretzels, a loaf of bread, and the dog food... ok, I'm exaggerating, but we've all been there!

So the key that we all know (and all ignore) is to maintain a healthy balance in snacking. Now you just have to manage to stop ignoring it! I have mentioned that I love the Smart Pop Kettle Corn; to avoid the smell (some people are nuts and don't like it! *scoff!*) you can pop it at home and throw it in a ziplock to take with you. My other favorites to keep at work are Hunt's Snack Pack fat free puddings, clementines, and no-sugar-added single serve applesauces (the Harvest Strawberry one is amazing!).

Check out www.weightwatchers.com and sign up for their online tools! It's like $13 a month or something relatively close to that. They have interactive cheat sheets that not only help plan meals but also kill time if you have a boring job (like me!!). They also have lists of 0-point and 1- point foods!!

Snack well and snack often!!

Week One--Milestones

Life gets in the way all the time. As of this time last week my biggest worry was if I would have enough points left for ice cream at the end of each day. Now I'm absolutely weighed down (no pun intended) by the worrisome bothers of life. Who could have guessed?

The good news is that I've dropped 5 pounds in the first week. That's not atypical for a beginner, however those results won't remain. Oh sure, they may for another week or so, but overall the numbers will begin look like "one pound" or "half a pound". Nevertheless I was glad to see the loss. Regardless of how big or small the numbers are, a loss is not a gain... and that, my friends, is the bright side.

I can't say that I rejoiced over the great number drop I saw, things going on right now have me pretty down in the dumps. However, that's exactly what I want to make this post about. Whether you've won the Pulitzer prize or have buried your family pet, things happen (good and bad) all the time. Some people reach for the tub of Haagen Dazs when things get rough; if that's you, then I want you to really focus on this next part. You've had a tough week, you grabbed the Chunky Monkey one too many times (that sounds naughty!!), I think you deserve to skip on the weigh-in this week. Not everyone would agree with me, especially not the Weight Watcher nazis, but the truth of the matter is a bad weigh-in day can make the next one worse. Pass on the scale, throw away the left over Turkey Hill, and take a walk around the block.

Case in point:: don't let things get so out of control that you give up altogether, and don't beat yourself up over one bad week. If you have two, that's when you can get out the mallet.

Week One:: January 13, 2010 :: 210 pounds.

Day Two- Reality.

Yesterday I was a good "dieter" and decided I would park farther from work to get some exercise. It wasn't too cold, so it was a good idea... or so I thought. You see, on Wednesdays I go in to work at 11 a.m. so it's the warmer part of the day. Needless to say, I left work at 8 p.m. and it was much darker, colder, windier, and all around more miserable. I cursed myself out the whole three-times-too-long walk to my car!

Today, I parked one spot farther than yesterday!!!

My dieting staple for the time being is 94% reduced fat popcorn. Kettle corn, to be exact. The stuff hits the salty/sweet spot and counts for virtually no points! The other diet wonder I discovered last night was Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash. That stuff tastes so good!! I'm a diet soda skeptic, so for me to say it was delicious really means it is!

Aside from my blog-countability I also have my best friend to talk with about my diet obsession. She jumped back on the wagon a few days earlier than me, but she seems to be handling the withdrawal MUCH better! Last night we took a trip to the Wart (Walmart) and I was obsessing over what I could spend my last 9 points on while she was actually looking for things she went there for. I give her credit, she's definitely stronger than me! However, I'm thankful that she's along for the ride... again. Hopefully this time we'll do this thing right!!